my heart's a battleground…

It was interesting what Sensei said about the Dutch Mark. She basically said that he’s 4dan level—where his techniques are smooth (even for a big guy) and that he doesn’t have any real bad habits. It’s just that he needs that seme or focus.

She then was talking to me about his WIIIIDEEEEE living room in the Netherlands, and how there’s nothing in there—so it was perfect for naginata practice. She was practicing zen nihon with him, and she asked him,

“Are you ready?”

“I am ready!”

“Are you ready to die?”

Then his neck tightened up. She was then explaining to him the difference between kata and shikake ooji. She said that 「しかけおおじをする (to do)、型を打つ (to strike), Chinese: to hit)」. She was explaining to me that with shikake ooji you can do it over and over again, but with kata–you need to have that feeling of “Oh, this may be my last one.” She then said that he was even getting teary

Interesting, the key is in that one verb. To be honest, I always thought of shikake ooji as katas as well. I always thought of them as one possibly being my last one (especially since I didn’t even know about the 「もう一度お願いします〜〜〜〜！」shit until Japan).

Every time I do basics, it’s the same thing. That is also why Sensei doesn’t teach the Kearny kids about that—because “they need to strengthen their mind”

Makes sense as to why people who are good at kata, are usually good at fighting…

Really people, you are pathetic.

And s0o immature. You look down at me because of my age, yet look at you guys—you’re older than me yet acting like 12 year olds. At least I have even MORE of a reason to look down at you (aside from being kohai).

And Patrick brought up a good point, now that I think about it, did the 3 stooges really try to win that trophy for Margaret? Because if that’s really the case, why do they have such big heads now from it?

If they really were fighting for someone, they wouldn’t feel as though they’re obligated to everything.

Which I think is even more disgusting. It’s also sad that Sensei cannot see that…

Sensei can read opponents, but she cannot seem to read people.

Why did they think that they did poorly at Mount Holyoke? Is it because they actually lost to stronger opponents? HAH. Why are they looking forward to the August nationals, but not the March taikai that’s happening in 3 weeks?

Because the March taikai is harder.

That’s pathetic. Error-y was telling me that the 3 stooges wanna be like “us” (Ellery, Patrick, me).

I was about to puke.

I never would want them to become like me. That kind of 心 is weak. I don’t feel obligated for crap, except for my current rank in the dojo. But that’s 当たり前、that goes for everyone at the dojo anyway.

And to be honest, with their attitudes, I quite frankly don’t think they’re cut for budo. They whine, complain, claim that they’re trying whenever Sensei corrects them, but to be honest, they aren’t trying enough.

Otherwise, unless Sensei asks you to speak, you wouldn’t be speaking.

I never would’ve thought of myself as being someone that people compare me to.

And even if they did, that they would use me as a way to make them feel better—”Oh, well as long as you’re not as bad as Katie…”

I mean I never get compared to anyone—just my parents would say shit about how my brother works harder n’crap like that, and Sensei would always compare me to Tanaka Chikage. But like, with siblings, I just honestly didn’t give a shit (I guess because our genders are different, and our age difference is greater than 4 years), and Tanaka Chikage is just on a completely different plane than I, so if people were even to compare us, it would be more for role model purposes. I guess this is why I never had a rival. I never experienced sibling rivalry (I don’t have a sister who’s close in age with me), and I haven’t met anyone who’s had a very, very similar background to me. I guess I’m just that original

I mean shiet, even during celebrity doppelganger week on facebook, I couldn’t even find anyone…jeez.

But in any case, today was Sensei’s birthday. I got her a cute lil red velvet cupcake @ da Chinatown Starbucks (because dat fucken Lincoln Sq. Starbucks is a SKANK—every other place in NY sells the fucken red velvet cupcake! That’s such BULLSHIT that they are discontinuing it…HA!) and put a cute lil pink candle on it. It was s0o0o cute. And Nayantara bought Sensei flowers—and wow, coincidentally she bought her favorite kind.

It was hilarious, because we heard people coming in, and the first time was a false alarm, the second time I wasn’t sure if it was Sensei, then Nayantara already plopped open the curtain, and Sensei was like “HI NAYANTARA!” and I was like “SHIT!” ahahaha. Then we walk out and sing happy bday all obnoxiously loud.

And she even thought that the damn thing tasted real good too! XD Tah! You can never go wrong with a red velvet cupcake.

But then yeah…she started talking a little more, and when I went back to the changing room to put the candles and matches back, then the first thing that comes out of Sensei’s mouth is: “Marija has a problem.”

I was like oh no…

She told me that Marija emailed her again or something, and that apparently when Ghost House wrote Sensei an email asking her to be Toronto’s official Sensei, that she apologized on behalf of Marija. And then she goes off saying “Why she apologizing? That’s Marija’s job, that’s between me and Marija” and apparently Marija never wrote a personal apology, and that the apology note was a joint letter from both Ghost House and Marija.

I mean I can see why they would do that, THEY AREN’T TAKING THIS SHIT PERSONALLY!!!!!!!. They probably figured that it would be the most professional thing to do, to just have both the old captain and the new captain write a co-joint letter on behalf of the club. I mean it makes sense

but I guess that’s not how shit is supposed to be done in Japan.

Then she continued on about what she wrote in the email, and the comparison comes where, “You and Katie have similar background—both come from kendo, from good Sensei—Ono Sensei—but the one big difference is that Katie still learns from me.”

Wow.

I was in shock.

Like I was thinking to myself, “Really?…you wrote that?…” I was too shocked to even ask her to elaborate.

“Big difference is etiquette”

I was shocked. I couldn’t believe she said that. I didn’t even feel honored, or have a huge ass tengu nose coming outta my face—really, it didn’t make me feel good.

And I don’t think it made anyone feel good. Some people may get a huge ego boost after hearing a Kyoshi-ranked Sensei compliment them, but really, getting compared to…I dunno, just the way she did it, I just…didn’t feel that good…

And this isn’t the first time it happened. When Klara first walked in to the dojo, Sensei immediately started comparing her to me—saying how we both came from Ken Zen, blah blah blah—-which just ended up backfiring because Klara felt like an underdog.

She did it with Christina—except infront of my face. I mean, I was kinda annoyed saying that she’s “just like you just like you”…but yeah, like Christina was not a 4 year old girl—the big sister “one day you can be just like her” shit just doesn’t work for someone who’s only 2 years younger. I don’t think that Christina felt like she could be herself…

and you know what, now that I’m thinking about it…she’s done it more often than I thought–the other week when I was working with Sasha with 4honme—she had a furikaeshi problem, and I thought that I had the same problem, so I tried it out—but then Sensei told Sasha, “…the thing is that Katie’s grip still works” or something along those lines…

Really, comparisons don’t work with women, period. Women are prone to be more jealous and envious compared to men, so making comparisons is just NOT going to build harmony in a dojo.

Then I remember, this isn’t the first time Sensei compared Marija to me—I remember Marija mentioning that back @ the Bryn Mawr camp, she was trying to show Marija the correct way to execute a hasso strike–so she showed her one of my videos from the San Jose taikai, and said “See! She does it in 1 motion, it’s not 1-2″

To be honest, I had no clue that she would compare people to me behind the scenes. I really don’t think that I’m anything worth comparing to. I’m not a child naginata prodigy, nor am I the 8x all Japan champion, I don’t understand why she compares people to me. I guess I still think of myself as a beginner—I still think that I’m that 16 year old, that was the youngest at the dojo–the annoying, baby sister of JSS, back in the summer of ‘04. She could’ve shown Marija videos of the all Japan champions, why did she show mine? I don’t think that I have a model hasso strike. I’m not godan, why though?

I mean shiet, that’s probably why the 3 stooges are all jealous towards me—probably Sensei compares them to me, and they don’t like it. Do I blame them? No, but does it justify their behavior in the dojo? Hell no

I thought about the etiquette thing more—and like really, I cannot take sides on this thing. Because I just see both sides. I cannot compare both sides’ reasons. I just don’t think Sensei sees how people could misunderstand her. She’s very Japanese in which she thinks that the other person “should know”—

but really, they don’t know. I can understand why (from what I heard from Sensei) why Toronto and Marija did certain things. It’s never under malicious intent, or be considered rude here in the West,—it’s just different. I don’t think that they would know about the degrees of formality and all that other etiquette/manners crap that a Japanese person would know.

I mean shiet, I’m not a Japanese etiquette expert–hell, I probably did some fucked up shit in Japan that I don’t know.

And to be quite honest, I don’t even think all Japanese know everything about Japanese etiquette. I mean shiet, if you take my mom, who was born in Tokyo, and dropped her off a plane on top of Kyoto. She probably would be taken as rude because she’s probably still sitting on her ass chatting, eating, catching up on things, thinking everything is cool—-even though the dish she finished eating 2 hours ago was ochazuke. “Oh shit–wait, you didn’t know the ochazuke rule?!”—-where when someone offers you ochazuke, that’s the indirect sign telling you to go home. I mean shit, probably a Hokkaido person wouldn’t even know that, because that damn ochazuke rule is a Kyoto unspoken custom.

So really because of this, I am more sympathetic when it comes to things like etiquette in the budo world. I don’t think that people who’ve never lived in Japan, nor grew up with exposure to the culture, would even have that 6th sense to know these kinds of things.

And shit, why won’t some assholes tell them? I mean isn’t that the main purpose of a senpai/kohai relationship? I mean whenever I was in Japan, I always had someone guiding me/telling me some lil secret pointers on the side. I mean really, come on.

And you know what, now I understand that Hardcore Grandma movie now that I saw the other day with my mom—there was a scene in this Japanese movie where the main character saw a friend of his (who was also staying with his hardcore grandma) that was mentally retarded, getting bullied. He would always used to abandon him, and one day when the grandma noticed that the two of them didn’t come home together, the grandma told him “It’s even worse if you stand there and do nothing.”

Because I understand that…although I may be competitive and want to be the best at everything, I do want to post shit like this on the net for people to read—you know why? So that people won’t have to go through that. And if even the victim sees it, then can be aware of what’s going on behind their backs, and perhaps try to find a way to fix it. I’m stuck in the middle, and to be honest, I would feel more like a bad person if I just stood there, took everything that Sensei said in, and just kept the knowledge all to myself. I should spread some kind of awareness.

And to be honest, I would want someone to do the same thing for me if I were in the same situation—if someone was doing some shit behind my back, or there were some things that I did which could affect my future with wtvr I want to do, I’d want to damn know so that I don’t continue to make the same mistakes in the future. I mean god knows what kind of reputation I have in Japan. Like shiet, I’m too scared to know. And although by posting shit like this to spread awareness, may make other people look better than me, I just cannot even think about that shit, because I just feel priority with awareness.

——

I got a txt message from Patrick that said “Joey is resting in heaven now”

And I was like ‘wtf?…’ because I wasn’t sure if he was joking, or if they really put the dog to sleep..so I literally txted him back with ‘wtf?..’ and what kinda got me sad and guilty was his response, “he’s resting now, no more growling…”

Yes I hated that dog, it was cute, I always wanted to pet it, but like he never did well with humans that weren’t members of the family. It was annoying to have that dog bark all the damn time whenever Mai and I were there, but at the same time I felt bad for the damn thing because they would always lock him up in the room n’shit…sometimes, I do admit, I wished and waited for that dog to die, but now I feel bad for ever have those thoughts and feelings…I felt bad because this was the 2nd dog that died within a matter of like 3 months.

Then while I was on the phone with Patrick, I get a call from Charlina, crying. Apparently her Uncle went fucken Korean temper crazy by throwing shit around the house (almost hitting her face) and saying some fucked up shit that really shouldn’t have been said.

It’s weird…there’s alot of weird changes going on…alot of weird shit…I mean these things, and the shit with Canada going on…it’s kinda creeping me out and making me think about things a little more…

It’s interesting to look at this picture and see how much has changed in such a short period of time.

This was taken at the ‘03 NY seminar…one year before I started naginata.

It’s unbelievable to see how people got along so well in the past, not so long ago, but then now hate each other due to politics.

“I am really getting into Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box—there’s these 300 puzzles and as you go through different maps and crap and…” – Hiroko Suzuki

Okay really, I never would’ve expected this to come out of my mom’s mouth…

But then again, I grew up with my grandmother playing video games for me…so yeah…

I am TOTALLY looking forward to going to Seattle next week

not for my 3dan shinsa,

But to go to the original STARBUCKS!. OMG I can’t wait, I’m counting the days now…

and gonna tell Yamauchi Sensei that I cannot go to the board meeting, but instead need to go to the original STARBUCKS–because I just NEED to.

I haven’t watched that show in ages…I’ve recently started to watch it again, and like

the new episodes aren’t that funny anymore…especially since they put that blonde kid as a more important character.. >_<

but the older shit is HILARIOUS. Especially the chinpokomon and cartman gets an anal probe…ahahah those are classics

and I really need to stop procrastinating…haha, yes, people who are not in schools have things they can procrastinate from…

holy shit, that thing is HUGE

I mean that shit is 16″ long…cool.

The other day while I was talking on the phone with Sensei, for some reason she started blabbing about Canada because Ghost House basically emailed Sensei asking her to help out with the U of Toronto club, and how she basically wanted to reestablish that connection again. Knowing Sensei, she probably agreed to help,

but then behind the scenes, starts to blab to me about shit.

I know that she blabs to me about these things so that I can learn from other peoples’ mistakes, but like quite honestly, there’s nothing I can do to solve the actual problem, so it gets me to wonder who she’s really trying to help. In this situation, me or Toronto?

I basically got the feeling in her voice that she didn’t care for the situation as much, and doesn’t expect stuff to carry through…because “When Marija first start club, I told her to email me every month about the club—but then after Christmas break, no more.”

“Then when 久保さん came, I think she basically follow everything that 久保さん do (because she’s 3-dan)—-she SOOOO STUPID!”

I was kind of curious as to why she thinks Kubo-san is stupid, then she elaborated on some bullshit that happened when they were ordering equipment. Something along the lines that Kaori thought that she can just directly order from Moriwaki-san—because they also deal with Kansai Daigaku. But like Sensei ordered for UofT before, so Moriwaki associates UofT being dealt with via. sensei—then because of Kaori calling shit directly without having the dough (?) in hand or something, that put Sensei’s relationship with Moriwaki in jeopardy. “She almost cut off my long time relationship with Moriwaki!” Then I think something happened where Moriwaki infact even contacted Sensei about UofT’s order to ask what was going on, and then she asked him if he actually carried on with it, but then he said “No, I shredded it.” Which resulted in Toronto needing to replace the orders, AGAIN. Then she also mentioned that in Japan, Moriwaki takes Kansai Daigaku’s orders from Kansai daigaku—NOT individually. Well duh, doesn’t it make more sense to do something like that due to the efficiency? Perhaps Kaori thought that she could be UofT’s representative? Yet Sensei didn’t see it that way because Sensei already took care of their orders in the past?

But then she further elaborated on Kaori, where when she was there @ NY, she never told Sensei how long she was going to be in Canada, and then when she left, she never emailed Sensei either to say that she left. “That such BAD etiquette!” I guess Kaori thought that while she’s away from Japan, she’s more “free” and didn’t need to follow the same standard etiquette procedures like she needs to do in Japan–and she also probably thought that since Sensei has been away from Japan for so long, that she’s not considered “Japanese” anymore, that she didn’t need to do the same things that she would need to do back at home…but shiet, if that’s the case, then she’s completely WRONG. Because Sensei is completely traditional deep down. It’s not like she spent a majority of her developing years here in the states, she came here when she was fricken 40. She’s basically ‘adjusting’ to living in a different 場所. So because of the lack of one little email, Sensei basically blabbed to a shitton of Senseis in Japan about how 久保さん has such bad etiquette, and also made some associations with her sensei. o_O Ouch.

Then she started to talking about UofT and how “They don’t have budo mind.” I mean, that’s a little much to say, because I don’t think anyone in college would have the capabilities to have a ‘budo mind,’ but I guess she thinks differently. She elaborated on how bad their etiquette was at the last March taikai. She mentioned one instance where one of the dudes went up to Emily before their match and basically talked shit to her, and how that reflects on what their instructor teaches them. The thing is, I asked myself; does it really take that much of a genius/someone cultured to Japanese budo manners to really see how that kind of shit is possibly not kosher? I mean do you really need a Sensei to tell you to keep quiet and not talk shit to people, directly to their face, before or after a match? I think not, because I’ve seen plenty of people who never had Japanese budo training and don’t do that shit, but then Patrick thought that you do infact need a Sensei to tell you those things:

“Because my experience in Western sports, teams do that, so that they can get under your skin…”

Then for some reason, she knew about how Jew Fro Boy was being arrogant towards some of the Kachimushi girls by saying shit after doing engi “Well, that’s wrong” and how that’s “all Canadians.”

“Lorraine like that, Bad Michael—-they always think that they’re always right and never wrong. That’s Canadian mind.”

That one…I couldn’t say anything to. I don’t know of any Canadian stereotypes except for the shit that they do on South Park, so I just kept quiet.

Then she talked about Bad Michael and how he didn’t know who Nakano Sensei was, and how he basically lied to her and treated her like shit. How he stole bogu from IBU—then mentioned again about how Lorraine never paid for her hakama. Then she talks about Marija in how “she all sweet and nice to Sensei, but behind back she hide alot of things.” Well, I can see some truth to that…I mean my mom said that Serbians are very intense people, so probably all the shit she went through in the past she hides, and knows that it’s not appropriate to show to people…So I don’t blame her.

I told her that she’s going to Japan next year to Waseda, and she was like “Oh well they only have kendo, no naginata.” But I told her that she probably is going to want to do naginata training in a local dojo

“But she go with no letter right?”

“Uhh…but she’s probably going to ask you since she considers you her Sensei right?”

“It’s okay, if she ask for letter I tell Japanese Senseis that she sweet, nice girl to Sensei, but to be care because she hides alot of things.”

And apparently was even going to write shit about UofT’s issues in the past with Sensei and about etiquette problems blah blah…I mean I’m thinking to myself, if she really doesn’t have the best things to say about them, then why write a recommendation? Isn’t that what most teachers do if they cannot write a strong rec? Because I don’t think it’s going to make Sensei look good as well, I mean it’s not going to be a rec–it’s going to look more like a warning letter of some sorts.

Then what really surprised me was, “Just like Bad Michael—infront of Sensei they all sweet and friendly, but then behind back they tell a LIE”

I never met this Bad Michael dude, but I really wondered if he’s as bad as people say he is…

Then I think…omg, if Canada has this kind of reputation, where you have one member getting a bad rep. because she joined the USNF and how that’s “kind of a cheating mind” and not wanting that person being part of a local federation,

that I wonder what kind of shit the U.S. has AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! I mean I know about Tanaka Sensei being hated in Japan because of her attitude and such when she went back, but shiet…it just makes me curious, and also kinda irritated that no one ever told us shit so taht we can fix it for the future…geez.

After working on engi kyogi during last Friday’s practice, everyone was paired up in bogu (but I was left out, since there was an odd # of people thurr) and while I was sitting off to the side waiting for someone to be open, Sensei started talking to me about Klara:

「クラーラーの態度が変わった」

“?….どういう事ですか？。。。”

「ライバルじゃないけど、好きじゃない」

She then elaborated more saying that after last Saturday’s practice, Klara went up to Yamauchi Sensei and showed her a kote bruise and said “Katie did this!” and of course, Sensei was like “I don’t think that would only be from Katie…”

To be honest, that didn’t surprise me. I mean even Lauren called it earlier that she can see that Sasha and Klara don’t like me. Mainly for jealousy reasons, which doesn’t bother me,

but hearing that from Sensei got me to remember other shit that’s been pissing the hell outta me for a long while: 上下関係。

It’s not only Sasha, but it’s the rest of the 3 stooges. And Nayantara is the WORST out of all them–because she’s fake, and gives off this feeling of arrogance (which she really doesn’t deserve to have…). I fucken HATE doing engi with her, because she soon as she goes into chuudan, she always lifts up her chin in a way that she feels like she’s “better” than me. And apparently, I’m not the only person who noticed that. Which is why, none of us give her any corrections. Because shiet, if she thinks that she’s the hot shit, then it’s not like she’ll need any corrections right? Since she’s s0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o amazing

They don’t respect anyone at the dojo. They probably think that just because they won the women’s team matches back in ‘09 that they’re s0o good, and to add onto that, because they are involved politically, that they are higher up than everyone else. Uh no, that’s not how it works in the Japanese martial arts world.

I was talking about this to my mom, and she said that “That kind of thing where you ‘blindly follow’ people above you and the senpai/kohai crap is completely foreign to them. They don’t understand that type of mentality…”

Yes, I can see where’s she’s coming from where the 上下関係 concept does not exist in the West, but I still think that not respecting your senpai/people higher ranking than you is quite a foreign concept. Because how come Frank, Cheuk, and Mark Bononami respect their senpai? They aren’t too Japanese either, yet they seem to understand that. I was sexually harassed, even slapped multiple times in the Japanese budo scene (in Japan), yet I still had to throw that shit out whenever I entered the dojo. I still had to respect my senpai and the O.B.s, so the 3 stooges have even LESS of an excuse as to why they cannot respect people higher ranking than them.

And hello, what about the corporate world? So what if your supervisor may be of younger age than you, they are still of higher status than you. You’re telling me that in a non-Japanese society that these people wouldn’t respect them? Puh-lease, and let’s see how long it takes till their asses get fired.

Then when I talked to Sensei about this (because I wrong an email about this) she told me crap about my age n’shit. Then she fucken has the nerve to tell me that I should think of them as my 同級生？ Hell FUCKEN NO! It took me years for me to get as high up in my dojo as I am now, so I’m not going to sacrifice that for this bullshit. Even though they are older than me by age—this is NOT a college 部活。Seniority in a local dojo is determined by RANK. That’s right, the fucken rank that your most recent menjo says. Not by class year.

So if I do that shit, then that will be breaking the dojo tradition. Plus, what’s going to happen when there’s new students coming in? I don’t want that senpai/kohai tradition to disappear—that is ESSENTIAL for understanding Japanese budo.

And it’s kinda funny too, because Nayantara has been trying to work on tsuki (because it’s obvious that she wants to show me that she can overthrow the ‘tsuki queen’). So while we were practicing on Saturday, she wanted to do tsuki sune. First of all, she had to fucken harai every fucken time (which makes the tsuki harder), then her tsuki felt like a tap.

But then when I went…I worked on what Ebisawa Sensei told everyone to do, and DAHYM my tsukis were fucken throwing her over.

So HA! There was my chance to fuel out my frustration. We seriously need to do more bogu so that I don’t need to deal with these people directly face-to-face.