my heart's a battleground…

It was all worth it, every penny from my fucken loan money…I am so glad I did it (in addition to the surprise ). I def. killed some fat, worthy, plentiful, birds, with just one stone.

The most interesting thing about this seminar was that it felt like how naginata was for me back in the beginning—-that very first USNF seminar I went to at Bryn Mawr, back in ’04; everything was fresh, fun, free, jolly, and positive—my eyes were blinded by the bs that was really going behind the scenes, because I was just seeing the positive things about shit. The naginata world really did seem like a world filled with bright, sunny lights + flowers, on warm, shiny, fresh, green grass. Everyone was just so nice, everyone was just getting together and joking, making friends, etc. It wasn’t until afterwards, over the years, that I began to only see the ugly/dark sides of the art.

And I know that I haven’t seen everything yet.

But oddly enough, I guess being at this seminar gave me a chance to start from the beginning again—but this time, seeing the other side of the art. The positive side. It’s a side that I’ve never really been immersed in—this whole time, I just kept on pushing away the negativity and just kept looking forward to the things that I wanted. I guess despite not getting sucked into it, I still was living on that side of the world, rather than just living in the positive realm of naginata.

It’s very strange, it seems as though being away from Yama Sensei exposes me to the positive realm of naginata—just like what Vania said, if I stay around with all the negative ppl at da dojo, nothing good will come my way. And hilariously enough, when I was away from Sensei, that’s when a bunch of good things came through to me. Odd ain’t it?

It also seems as though everyone who seems to be associated with that past in my life, seems to just stay there…they just are negative and trying to pull me down with them. I dun understand why, but I guess it’s one of those unexplainable things in human nature (or maybe some day, I’ll be able to logically explain it). Going to this seminar made me see the ‘positive realm’ of naginata—the key people there were mainly positive, and it was interesting to see that side of the realm. People like Narita Sensei and Tyl just are examples of those kinds of ppl—-ppl who hate shit talking, and always see the bright side of things. The Utrecht students also seem to have that innocent, freshman-ish approach to naginata–so yeah, I guess that’s positive too, in a sense.

In some ways, this ‘different perspective’ feeling that I had at the seminar, was similar to the feeling I had when I was studying abroad in Beijing; I was exposed to what my life would be like without naginata, and even was around friends of naginata people, who didn’t practice the art. It was almost like that ‘multiverse’ feeling described in Jet Li’s movie “The One” where you have another alternative realty happening EXACTLY at the same time as the present that you’re in. The difference with this experience was that I’m not being exposed to this side of the art with a completely blank slate, but instead, carrying on the experiences from the previous world, and trying to make it better for the new realm. Upon talking to my security guard homeboi, I cannot help but to further agree with him on how life YOU make choices–you choose which side you want to face, which side you want to live in, and although yes, there is that fate-ist side to things where the path you end up taking was already predetermined—-there is still a choice in life, and I choose to go towards the positive. But yeah, I guess some of that was already inside of me, hence why it was easy to understand and not too much of a hiccup to do…

It was EPIC.

BWAAHAHAH!!! OMG, I wish the camera wasn’t so shaky, and I wish that it could’ve gotten the first 5 secs of when he was just staring straight at me, and didn’t get that shock/shake head/confusion thang goin on LOLOLOL.

I don’t think it’s hit either of us yet though…but hey, damn, talk about mega 我慢 that I had to do. Jesus fucken christttttttttttt.

If someone could justify an enemy’s actions, and not provide any supporting statement for yours, they aren’t being objective,

they just simply were never your friend in the first place.

Hmm…

This is rather interesting…:

“…In your pursuit of excellence, people are going to try to pull you down and talk trash about you because you are better than they are.

When people stab you in the back or say things about you behind your back, it is because you are infront of them.” – Brian Cain

And it explains everything…

Okay,

I officially grew outta the Japanese Cherry Blossom scent ages ago.

Okay, well, the deep cleansing anti-bacterial hand soap is still nice, but like I wouldn’t want to spray dat shit on me and have ppl ‘identify’ me with that scent.

So yeah…I’ve decided to totally take advantage of BBW’s 100% return policy and return everything that I bought—I mean it sucks that I don’t get the same amount that I paid for before (since I usually throw out the receipts upon using the survey coupon or after jotting the expense down)—but bleh, today I chickened out and didn’t return all 26 items, but instead returned 5. Bah, At least with the amount I got what I really needed (and liked).

Now I want to go through my lipgloss again and just take out da ones I’m most likely never going to use…bleh, I think I’ll return those too…I mean bleh, they have better ones out anyway.

And apparently Sephora has a similar return policy too…YAY! So now I can go ahead and return those eyeshadows/eye makeups that have been sitting in my MUJI drawer for ages, and was only going to use them out of desperation/if I ran outta the stuff I really like.

BLAH! Don’t ever settle for less/2nd best, fuck dat, just get what u want.

I also just feel soooo much better clearing out my crap and being able to reduce the clutter/keep things that I really like/will actually use. YAY. Maybe I actually can be a minimalist afterall LOL.

FREEEEDDDOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…at least for another 3 weeks.

Then Summer Session A starts -_- booooo.

Yeah…I don’t think I’ve 100% readjusted back to “school mode,” but I’m definitely alot better than I was back at the beginning of the year. The true MoHo overachiever side has not come out of the closet yet

So after I presented my naginata version of Red Rover, of COURSE, the same usual ppl in the class were immediately out to criticize. But of course, I was able to hold my ground, just counter argue all their points, and they shut up. I think they realized that there is no point to further try to argue with me, since I will just state points that will just prove why their initial comments do not hold any substance.

I don’t think they have any clue that I am essentially importing a martial art into an alien environment. I’m a pioneer, and people are immediately going to criticize/give me a hard time because of this—so I’m basically used to the kinds of comments that they said in class. Which essentially means that I’m already prepared to answer those kinds of questions and criticisms. They just don’t have a clue.

Especially the comment they said after I stated that doing these kinds of exercises in elementary schools in Japan, “But Japan is a different culture!” LOF(ucking)L! That’s my favorite. Because what does the culture have to do with handling a physical education exercise? Is it really that different? So of course, I responded with, “So?” and of course, they could not elaborate. It’s obvious that they based that statement solely due to opinion/stereotypes, rather than true scientific data and journal articles stating that there indeed is a difference in elementary school children’s acquisition of martial arts learning in the classroom. I am sure that naginata has not been taught in U.S. elementary school classrooms, which therefore means that they cannot draw a solid conclusion from a comparison that has never been tested before. Maybe it is the same, regardless of culture, maybe it’s not. The bottom line is that there is no evidence that supports their statement, which is why they cannot state it in the first place. It just clearly shows some subjectivity stemming from stereotyping.

And even if there are articles already out proving their statement correctly, I highly doubt that they’ve read them, nor would have been able to cite the author on the spot. If they did, it would’ve been great info for me to further refine my own teaching plans anyway.

These are the kinds of ppl I’m in class with. When I talked to Chocopan about this, he clearly stated it well, “…they seem be very inflexible in their thinking.” It’s soo true—the teachers are extremely opinionated as well—but I guess they are more professional about expressing it. It’s very different from the professors I had at MoHo. I don’t know if the people in my class think this way because of their age (since I’m the youngest, and perhaps maybe their brains are too hard from ‘life experiences’ that made them fixed in their own ways), or if it’s just due to the higher education they received. I don’t mean to sound elitist, but the (very few) students in the class who were able to think out of the box (and be more open) the most, graduated from the top liberal arts colleges. In some ways, that’s kinda scary—in that the college that your kid goes to, will end up either making him smarter, or just mediocre. It’s really about how much, and how well, the school promotes abstract thinking.

It just reminded me of something Lambert said back my freshman year, “Liberal arts is all about connections; it’s about connecting two things that are completely unrelated” ROTFLLLLL IT’S SOOOOO TRUE!!! Because that really causes you to think out the box and think abstractly. It makes you really dig deep into the roots of the subject (down to the theoretical level). Without this, you will just state opinions that have no substance to it.

DAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAH, So Katerina and I were talking on Facebook chat about the future dorama/book plans for my naginata series—and we came up with THESE awesome ideas:

about an hour ago
進士冨美
I think I will one day publish a book called ‘Naginata’

about an hour ago
Katrina Heilman
Constant mini-battles with Godaiken too.

In conclusion, when MoHos get together, it becomes ‘MoHo’ again, no matter where we are in the world.

This was rather interesting:

Anger in the Age of Entitlement
Cleaning up emotional pollution.
by Steven Stosny

Emotional Abuse: Is Your Relationship Headed There? You Might be a Lot Closer than You Think!

Is your relationship headed for emotional abuse?

The culprit is common, everyday resentment.

Resentment is a perception of unfairness for not getting the expected help, recognition, appreciation, consideration, praise, reward, or affection. It is becoming a predominant emotional state in the age of entitlement. But it builds under the radar – by the time you’re aware that you’re resentful, it has reached an advanced stage.

The problem with resentment in families is that much of it is due to the effects of emotional pollution tracked into the home from the outside. Resentment is a way to blame powerless feelings on someone else, and the rule of blame is that it usually goes to the closest person. Blame justifies self-righteousness and low-grade anger, which temporarily feel more powerful. But the temporary empowerment comes at the cost of making an enemy of the beloved.

The Chain of Resentment
No one resents just one thing. The continuous nature of resentment creates a self-linking chain, whereon past resentments attract present offenses, forming an ever longer and heavier chain. For example, I had a client who came to his first session resenting his wife for going to bed without kissing him goodnight. That event linked onto the night before, when she tried to kiss him while he was pouting over the fact that she wouldn’t help him do the dishes. That linked to the night before, when she did the dishes behind him back, implying that he wasn’t capable of doing his household chores. You get the idea, once bound with a chain of resentment you can resent someone for doing something and for not doing it.

A point about the architecture of a chain is worth noting. If you pick up a chain by one link, you hold not just that link but the weight of the whole chain. The chain of resentment does not distinguish important matters from petty or trivial ones – they’re all links on the chain and therefore carry the weight of the whole chain. That’s why nothing is too petty to resent.

Though mainly about the past, the chain of resentment eventually extends into the future. That’s when your expectation of someone disappointing you becomes self-fulfilling prophecy: “The weekend’s going okay so far, but she’ll find some way to screw it up.”

How it starts
Resentment exists in all enduring relationships, because even the best of them cannot be fair all the time. It builds automatically as interest declines, an interest must in all relationships that pass from novel and uncertain to familiar and stable.

The trouble comes when resentment blocks natural compassion for loved ones. In good relationships, compassion – caring about the discomfort or distress of loved ones with a motivation to help – outweighs resentment. When resentment begins to overwhelm compassion, it forms a self-linking chain that makes you look for things to resent, as protection from disappointment. At that point it starts a downward spiral of irritability, impatience, restlessness, bickering, cold shoulders, stonewalling, angry outbursts, and, eventually, emotional abuse.

Here are the signs that resentment is building to danger levels. Either you or your partner is:

• Judgmental about the other’s perspective without curiosity to learn more about it

• Irritated by how the other feels

• Intolerant of differences – you should see things the same way

• Irritated by things you used to think were cute – facial expressions, laughter, tone of voice, manner of dress, etc.

• Making less important things more important than the most important things, e.g., the towel in the middle of the floor is more important than your emotional health and the well being of your relationship

• Losing interest in most forms of intimacy – talking, touch, hugging, sharing, sex (resentment is no aphrodisiac).

The cure is to understand that resentment covers a deeper hurt, even when the things you resent seem petty. Increase your:

• Core value – get back in touch with the most important things to and about you, which will not include resentment and anger at people you love

• Compassion for yourself – recognize that when you are resentful or angry you are hurt or overwhelmed; focus on healing and improving rather than punishment

• Compassion for your partner – recognize that when he or she is resentful or angry, he or she is hurt or overwhelmed; try to help

• Respectful negotiation – you have equal value and equal rights

• Recognize the effects of emotional pollution.

Couples inevitably develop automatic defense systems (ADS) once they start blaming their negative feelings on each other. The ADS is mostly triggered by non-verbal cues of body language and tone of voice, but is primed by the effects of emotional pollution. The best way to disarm it is to view it as something happening to both of you rather than something one is doing to the other. You should be able to say, “He our ADS got triggered, let’s regulate it so we can feel connected again.” Together you can disarm the ADS and other effects of emotional pollution. Blaming your partner merely contributes to more emotional pollution and makes you both more defensive.