my heart's a battleground…

umm…

can I just say that it’s very WEIRD to NOT be wearing red underwear?…

maybe I should just continue it for constant good luck…

bah, nothing looks better than red…

(& wtfff I can’t type in a diff lang in WordPress anymore?!?!)

新年快樂！

Waaaaa, my last rabbit day was spent inside -_- oh wellz ^_^

Man…I have alot to reflect upon this past year…the goods were REAL good, but the bad was REAL BAD…I guess it was a very (rabbit) bouncy year. I would have to say, overall, that the year was a pretty good one.

This is my daddy’s year! (Since he’s a water dragon). I think in my next entry, I’ll reflect on every month the past rabbit year (like how Shirri did the previous year), and yeah, basically just reflect.

And OMG–I actually COMPLETED THE RED UNDERWEAR CHALLENGE!!! XD It’s going to be weird to be able to wear different colored underwear this year…(I mean red is still the sexiest)–but still, I think tomorrow I am going to wear my red underwear for one last day–just as an insurance policy LOL. Because yeah…I don’t want to have another hotel incident happen with my luck *ahem*

And I wore a red bra + a red shirt (outfit) for extra good luck and to be in the 新年快樂 spirit!

Shiet…I can’t believe I did it! It actually wasn’t so bad after all. But then again, it WILL be nice to wear my favorite pink + black lace underwear once again ^_^

The first r(x) I got upon Sensei’s death was, “Shit…what am I going to do now to advance in naginata?”

The practicality aspect of my personality came out; I began to revisit old plans, create new plans, began budgeting for these new plans, scheduling…all these things that I’ve never done or thought about to the same extent as now.

Then my thought immediately shifted to, “…I need her manuals!”

So then I decided to go to John’s house the day after they unplugged her—to not only give him and Sensei’s family my condolences, but also to ask if he knew where her training journals are, and to also ask the family if they had some as well. Well, what ended up happening was that I get to Sensei’s house—and John was still out. In addition, everyone was there just cleaning up the house. I decided to use this time to find her journals and other naginata manuals that would be helpful in the future.

So I get to the house, I asked Frank if he knew where her journals were, “What? Her training journals?—na, there’s nothing around, I mean you can look for them in there.” I asked around, people didn’t know, nor seemed to care to help look for them…I was shocked. Instead, Frank and people ask me to go through her clothes…

and I was like “Uh…HELL NO” in my mind.

Thank GOD I went with my initial instincts…because I found out later from Shirri, that apparently it’s bad luck to go through a dead person’s clothing. *phew*

I had to go through some clothes to find manuals though…but shiet, I gathered everything that I could (and will continue to do so). I still am looking for her shinsa notes and such just for future guidance.

But seriously…I was shocked. I was surprised that no one seemed to care to look for her notes, her naginata training journals, all the naginata manuals…I mean seriously, when it comes down to it, there will be no more kyoshi to ask for reference. That’s the practical reality of it. That’s what her life was about, she just wanted to influence as many people as she could in naginata…and I am surprised that no one was seeing the naginata aspect to her personality…

It made me wonder too, why they’re there?…why are they even AT the dojo in the first place…are they really there for naginata? Or are they there to resolve personal issues within themselves?

I then asked myself, “Why is my r(x) different from theirs?” I then realized, that she never yelled at me the same way she yelled at Ellery when it came to teaching/technique…she never yelled out ‘CHIGAU!” every time I explained something, the way she did to Ellery…I then realized, I’m the only person at the dojo in NYC (aside from John) who knows all the Zen Nihon kata 1-7, down packed. I am the only person who learned how to sew gi from her, and I also think that I’m the only person who got offered all the naginata manuals, in the original Japanese, from Sensei…It then made sense; for whatever reason, she trusted me in passing on her knowledge/techniques. That also makes sense as to why I also got the feeling of ‘Shit, I need to now pass down her knowledge!”

I guess Hooper Sensei was right, 守破離 does come in a circle. I guess that time at MoHo was my point of breaking away, and now that I’ve broken away, I need to now go back and ‘守る’ the knowledge that’s left over…that makes sense as to why I went away to MoHo to start a club that time…why I went back to Japan last year…those were breaking points, and before that, I went through long periods of ‘protecting.’

I have just now connected another dot.

From: Sachiko Prough
Subject: Re: Budo-jin(武道人)
Date: December 16, 2011 9:45:12 AM EST
To: Katie 冨美 Roche FoSHizzle (≧◡≦)凸

Dear Katie

I am very happy to hear from you.
(and thank you for new words, “hectic” and “aim”)

I understand your situation. Please let me know when you have time.

This Friday (16th) is last class at CERC and next Thursday (22nd) is last class at KHDT this year.
I did not announce it yet, letting you know.

One advice.
It is not necessary for you will get the answer by yourself.
In Budo world, the process is important you find the goal/answer.

You are not walking alone. I believe you have sensei and you have good dojo mates.
Specially, Nayantara, she is very worry about you and she is thinking what can she help(walk with you) for you.

You are very lucky, you have a lot of better people near by.

Take care of yourself. Don’t catch cold.

Regards,
Sachiko Yamauchi Prough

+1 (201) 656-0117
syprough@gmail.com

Oh god

Unless chance happens (which I still do believe in, since it’s happened to me)

She’s gonna go.

The pool of blood increased in her brain, adding more pressure.

Yamauchi Sensei had a brain aneurysm this morning at 4:00 am.

I saw the CAT scans…over 50% of the left side of her brain is filled with blood…from the top to the bottom of the c-spine. It’s even leaked a little to the right side, and the pressure is soo great that it even shifted the axis.

To be honest, I didn’t want to go and visit her. I got ‘weird’ vibes about the whole situation, and I didn’t know why.

It seemed as though this shit was bringing the worst outta people…the way everyone was reacting to this was not so great…I dunno what it is…

I felt very uncomfortable about going, but I knew that it was the right thing to do so I sucked it up and did it. While I was walking down the hall of the ICU section—I felt my heart beating…I dunno, but I didn’t want to go…I couldn’t go immediately. I knew that I wanted to go back home IMMEDIATELY.

My dad tried to meditate to give me some sorta shield (I guess he was trying to do a native american meditation thing)—but then he said that he saw this huge DARK cloud, that was pushing and like trying to get to me. He tried to put a shield on me—but that it was so strong that the thing just kept on trying to attack me, and the most he could deflect was about 1 feet. He also txted me and said that that thing was soo powerful that his shield was only going to last for about 2-4 minute—-and that he’s never seen anything like that before.

I dunno…I get ‘weird’ vibes from this–not bad, but weird. Everyone else are acting irritable and stuff…so I think it’s affecting them…

What an adorable fucken kid.

Tommy: Why aren’t you practicing naginata right now?
Me: I need a break from it
Tommy: What? because you got into a fight with that stupid fucken sensei

ROTFLLL!!!! I guess he definitely IS my brother DAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Bleh, I FAILED at the 30 day letter project…because bleh, even if I wrote out all my letters now…it’s not the same as writing one per day…

bleh wtvr, I’m still going to complete it ^_^ this is what makes my letters unique…